And our next contestant is....

One of the sad but inevitable side effects of the growth and entrenchment of the internet in our civilization has been the deteriorating health of print journalism. The easy availability and dissemination of information and opinion on the web has clearly invalidated the basic business model upon which the local daily newspaper depends. As a result, many papers across the country have ceased to exist, and those that remain resemble fish stranded by low tide, futilely flopping and flailing as they strive to survive in this hostile environment.

Which brings us to the largest and oldest local newspaper here in the greater Toledo area, The Blade. This paper’s floppings and flailings have assumed a familiar formula in recent years, which must be working for it, because they have stayed with the formula faithfully. It goes something like this: 1) Identify a populist cause that focuses on the misdeeds or failings of a single, identifiable person (preferably a white male) as an antagonist. 2) Relentlessly report and opine on the cause - not limiting coverage to the cause itself, and its merits (what fun is that?), but also on the reasons why the antagonist should be vilified and despised, in order to maximize the pitchfork-and-torch atmosphere surrounding the issue. 3) Keep hammering away at the issue, giving it the placement and column-inch priority of a 9/11-level story, and don't let up until the villain is vanquished and you've milked every newspaper sale possible out of the cause.

It’s been successful time and time again in this town, with such notable examples as Tom Noe, Robert Alexander and Tom Skeldon finding themselves with the red dot of the Blade’s laser gunsight dancing on their foreheads, awaiting the inevitable bullet.

The latest target, Lucas County Dog Warden Tom Skeldon, was a particularly apt example of the efficient use of this formula. An obvious cause was identified (the wanton overuse of euthanasia at the dog pound on surrendered and seized dogs, including puppies....OMG, PUPPIES!!) The series of headlines that followed brought to mind an image of an evil dog warden in a black cape, laughing maniacally as he tossed puppies (OMG, PUPPIES!!) into a wood chipper at the dog pound. They even went so far as to add reporting in the Daily Log of those dogs euthanized or adopted out by Mr. Skeldon’s dept., right there with the other crime reports.

This week Mr. Skeldon, seeing the obvious writing on the wall (or in this case, on the newspapers on the floor of the dog cages), announced his intention to retire at the end of the year. That he would show such blatant disregard for the marketing needs of One of America’s Great Newspapers by not playing this thing out to the end must have caused great consternation among the Blade’s higher-ups. Now they have to go back and consult, much sooner than they had hoped, the sacred Blade Hit List (rumored to be kept on scrolls in a germ-proof vault in Pittsburgh), to determine the paper’s next target.

Everyone in Toledo should be on the lookout for red laser-dots dancing on foreheads in the coming weeks.

How does the saying go? They came for the crooked Republican coin dealers, and I said nothing, because I am not a crooked Republican coin dealer. They came for the YMCA executives, and I said nothing, since I am not a YMCA executive. They came for the dog wardens, and I said nothing, since I am not a dog warden. Then they came for me....

Or something like that.

So it’s come to this....

In a grudging acknowledgement that this worldwide interweb-thingy may actually have some legs, I’ve decided to join my fellow lemmings and start my own blog. I’m not really sure what I’m going to write about, how often I’ll update it, whether it will contain coherent thoughts or just streams of semi-consciousness, or even what, if anything, I’m going to call this thing (the crickets thing is probably temporary, although it captures quite well the reaction I expect). It will probably be chock full of the strained metaphors that I am so fond of using - hell, I may even work in some wisdom from such great minds as Nietzsche, Buffett or Berra (just kidding, the only thing I know about Nietzsche is he was a hell of a middle linebacker for the Packers when I was a kid).

When you think about it, these blogs are much like the diaries that were so popular among young girls when I was a child - except that that more people probably read those diaries, those little locks notwithstanding. As is often the case, technology has improved things - those little locks could never provide the confidentiality that results from collective disinterest.

Some entries will likely be the digital equivalent of a grouchy, slightly demented old man sitting on his porch yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn, but without the coolness of Walt Kowalski - lamenting the state of the world, and of “kids these days” - until I grudgingly remember that my Baby-Boom generation, just through its sheer mass, probably included more losers and parasites than any other generation has or, for the foreseeable future, ever will.

I imagine sports will be a topic, since it’s always been a passion of mine. Other posts will likely touch on such interesting (to me, at least) subjects as world events, politics, religion, politics as a religion, pop culture - wow, this is starting to sound too boring for even ME to read!

Anyway, back to the Baby Boomers - I can’t just besmirch an entire generation, especially one that I’m a member of, and just leave it at that. After all, in our defense, my generation has made many valuable contributions to mankind as well. For starters, there’s Al Gore, the Thomas Edison of our generation. I mean, the man invented the internet AND global warming! (can I get a rim shot?)

There, I’ve done it - I’ve gored my first ox, or in this case, my first Gore. But not to worry - I promise to piss off, or at least offend the sensibilities of, folks from all parts of the political spectrum. I mean, it’s just so easy to do - and if I’ve learned anything, it’s the value of the path of least resistance.

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Seriously though, I would be remiss if, on this Veteran’s Day, I failed to recognize the sacrifices that so many have made and continue to make to preserve our freedom. As the son of a WWII veteran and the father of a new USAF officer, this day holds special meaning for me. I can't put it any more eloquently than Chance did in his post today.